Behavioral and communication patterns do contribute to conflict. Some basic skills are listed below to help address conflict in a more effective way.
Choose your battles carefully. If the person or the issue is important, it might merit the expense of energy necessary to address and resolve the difference. If the person or the issue isn't important, try to identify why your reaction is heightened. For example, consider the increasingly common incidence of Road Rage. Is the tendency to act out against other drivers importance of the interpersonal relationship to the other drivers? Or because one takes issue with another's driving style? No! Most likely, people have unresolved conflict in other areas of life, and the easiest target is the nearest driver. Expressing emotions at the wrong target does little to resolve the real issues.
Plan Ahead. Decide in advance how to bring up the issue. Ask a trusted friend for feedback on the situation. Role-play the confrontation together to determine how the message might be conveyed. Determine ahead of time to refrain from saying things that you might regret in the future.
Think about the logistics. Schedule a time and place that allows for full treatment of the topic. Public places, time constraints, and low energy levels all work against clear and effective communication.
Invite the conversation. Ask permission to talk to your counterpart. Some people prefer to address conflict immediately; others feel more comfortable talking after they've had time to think through the issue.
Clarify your feelings. Commit to evaluating and naming exactly what you feel. Words are powerful. Giving an accurate name to a situation increases the chance of effectively resolving the conflict. For example, anger is a typical first response to conflict. Evaluate whether anger is used as a cloak for more vulnerable feelings such as sadness, rejection, being discounted or devalued. Acknowledging in advance how the situation makes you feel is helpful to determine whether addressing the issue will resolve the problem.
Listen. Be prepared to hear the other party. Listening takes courage, strength, patience, and restraint. An effective tool is to continue to ask if there is anything more that your counterpart wants to share. When she has completely expressed the issue from her perspective, try to succinctly summarize what you heard her say. Ask for feedback on whether you heard her correctly. In demonstrating a high level of engagement, the other side will most likely show the same respect.
Think about alternatives. How might you meet your own needs and interests if the negotiation doesn't lean in your favor? William Ury, co-author of Getting to Yes, calls this a BATNA the Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Knowing what you might do if the conflict cannot be resolved helps to clarify choices.
Conflict is Normal. Intrinsically, it is neither good nor bad. It is what we do with conflict that determines either a positive or negative outcome. Accepting conflict as a normal part of life allows us to build skill to handle it more effectively.
Expect Conflict. It happens! When conflict comes knocking, do you close the blinds and lock the doors, or do you invite it in?
Inviting conflict IN allows you to participate in the solution and retain control of outcomes. Ushering conflict IN invites the possibility of transforming negativity into an energy that can produce positive outcomes. How does one transform the negative into positive? Some people are naturally gifted in deflecting the arrows of conflict by humor and personal engagement that is appealing. Others need some assistance, and that is where mediation is useful.
Mediation is historically one of the oldest methods of resolving conflicts. A mediator is a professional listener and negotiator hired to help explore the interests of both sides, expand the options in meeting those interests, and concludes the matter by designing a mutually agreeable settlement. Mediators strive to preserve and improve relationships. By demonstrating and teaching better communication skills, the process of mediation can help resolve not only the current conflict, but enable participants to build skills that can be applied in future conflicts.
Identify your own primary conflict style is very helpful in understanding how you typically deal with conflict. This is just one example of what you might learn when working with a mediator.
Everyone has a knee-jerk conflict style. This is the first tool pulled from the toolbox when
confronted with conflict. Research done by Kenneth W. Thomas and Ralph H. Kilmann identified
five primary conflict styles: competitive, avoiding, compromising, collaborative, and accommodative.
While one style may be prominently used, people tend to use the other styles also. The conflict
style chosen for use in any particular situation depends on how one rates the importance of the
outcome of the conflict and whether one feels pressured to find a favorable conclusion for oneself,
among other factors. No conflict style is effective every time. Understanding the benefits and
drawbacks of each style, and learning to leverage the most effective approach in a particular
dispute greatly increases the odds of finding favorable resolutions more often than not.
The following is a brief description of the five conflict styles.
To learn more, contact Vision Mediation Group, LLC. We are able to administer the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, a test that helps identify your primary conflict style.
Conflict Resolution takes many forms, and is a rapidly emerging professional field. Mediation is currently used in divorce cases, employment disputes, and community/neighborhood negotiations. In addition, many companies have Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) programs, which include Open Door Policies, Ombuds Services, Mediation, and Arbitration; all of which contribute toward improving communication and morale.
Additional information can be found on our website, www.visionmediation.com or by emailing jlarkins@visionmediation.com.